Mid Life (not about diabetes)
It’s difficult to understand what life is supposed to be about. Experiences, Family, Friends, Love? I mean, is that it?
The longer it goes on, the more confused I’ve become. When I was young I thought I would grow up and do something profound to change the world for the better, but growing up and having my life experiences caused it not to turn out that way.
I’m now in my middle age and not sure what the point of it is. I don’t feel like I can do anything to make a difference in the world at this point. The bad experiences that have happened in my life weigh heavily on me and have taken the majority of my motivation. I don’t like complaining about my own life, when I know it’s my choice to do with it what I want… but the world is a tough place.
Pandemic aside, it’s hard to stay positive and motivated. Social media doesn’t help either. Seeing everyone present themselves in the best/most positive light gets discouraging (I’m sure I do the same thing).
I had dreams of acting on TV. I’ve done commercials and had appearances on a couple shows while in my 30’s. I thought I was on a good track.
Then I moved to Los Angeles and all that wind was taken out of my sails. At first I worked hard, did some non-union spots (even though I was in the Union), but I got discouraged.
There is no motivation in the amount of rejection actors receive. It knocks you down pretty quickly. The small victories of booking a gig don’t last long because once it’s over (within two weeks of booking/rehearsing/shooting) you have to start over from square one. Rejection. Rejection.
So I turned my focus to writing.
I’m not sure why I couldn’t do both, most frustrated actors do, but I stopped performing all together. I guess I kind of miss it now. I enjoyed it a lot.
But I also have a problem with self confidence.
I’ve never been great at anything. I suppose it’s part of my performer personality. I desire validation for a job well done. If/when I don’t get it, I give up. I lose interest if I don’t feel like it matters to anyone. I don’t like doing things like that for myself.
Do other people feel that way? How do you fight through it?
The thing about mid-life is you don’t want to start over with anything. At least I don’t. I have done a lot. I don’t want to start at the beginning of anything from here on out. I want to begin 3 steps in already. Don’t I deserve that? The answer is no, I don’t — but I can’t ever admit that.
Life is hard.
